Welcome, emotionally damaged teenage girls! If you are reading this, you have been chosen as a horror movie protagonist. As the new star of a low budget masterpiece you will need to know how to succeed in your role. In ten simple steps I can teach you how to be the best “scream queen” you can be.
1. First, be a white girl. This is an essential characteristic. If you are any other race, then I am sorry to inform you that you are not the protagonist and you will most likely die soon.
2. Fail to notice anything out of the ordinary, and if you do, brush it off and blame it on your mom or the wind. Just say something reassuring like, “Oh, silly Mom, always leaving rusty knives on the floor and opening windows in the middle of winter!”
3. Make sure you don’t have any way to leave your house. No neighbors, no car, and no bikes or transportation of any kind. That would make escaping way to easy!
4. Make sure you have neglectful parents and no friends to ensure you are always alone with nobody to call. If you can’t stand being alone all the time, you are allowed to have one ditzy friend preferably named Jessica. Do understand that she will be the first to die though.
5. Be clumsy. Falling, crawling, and tripping over your own feet are all great traits of a horror movie protagonist. If you were physically competent, the movie would be no fun!
6. Be stupider than the average person. In order to drag out the plot for a full 120 minutes, you will need to make a series of terrible decisions that nobody in their right mind would make.
7. Whatever you do, don’t call the police. That would make too much sense.
8. If the killer comes into your house, run up the stairs. This will ensure that you are unable to escape. This will also give you the opportunity to take your pick of precarious hiding spots. Some of the fan favorites include: in the bathtub, in the closet, and under the bed.
9. Answer the phone. Always. No matter if you recognize the number or not. How else is the killer supposed to contact you? Also, don’t bother checking the caller ID, it’s not like that could give you any useful information.
10. Last, perfect your scream. The higher the better. To achieve the best result, imagine that you are a middle aged man being kicked in the crotch and just let out a howl.
Congratulations! After 120 minutes of running, falling, screaming, and almost get stabbed, your first masterpiece will be a moderate success. You are now on you way to a lower budget, less successful sequel.