It still irritates me when kids in the class continue to complain. However, I have experienced some great things. Being lifted up the wall first proved to myself that I could do it. I could do anything. I like the looks of surprise, awe and support I receive from my classmate. It feels nice that people believe in me. It’s funny they think I’m the brave one when, in my head, I am terrified and cowardly.
Then there was a boy who didn’t want to be hoisted up the wall. Everything he said was what I had been thinking in my head: “I don’t want to do this”, “This does not look safe”, “I can’t do this”. He was vocal and vulnerable with his fears. I felt bad for him, knowing how uncomfortable it must be. Eventually myself and the rest of the class “convinced him” to mount the wall. I reassured him in the same way I knew would coax me into participating, but in the end, it was his own decision. I was so proud of him. After he finished he complained as usual, but I could practically see him glowing. Whether or not he knew it, watching him be so honest and then eventually succeeding felt crazy good.
I had felt all of the same things, however, I decided to reinvent myself. I pretended not to care. I pretended not to be afraid. I faked confidence, and it freaking worked! I have continued this strategy ever since. I may seem confident, social, and brave, but I assure you that it’s complete bullsh*t. It’s fun though. I can act like the kind of person I envy.
The stereotypes mentioned in my previous journal are really wearing off. I still wonder what I would have been in their heads. Then again, not everyone is as judgemental as I am.
Although I do still feel a little bit of segregation between two halves of the class, I am also happy about how close we have all grown. Personal stories started surfacing about terrible coaches and grumpy girlfriends. I find myself enjoying every silly, innuendo-ladened conversation. I look forward to every class, inside and out.