Bring Back the Bubbling Brooks

Clear, bubbling streams, full of fresh, blue drinking water.

Clean agua, perfect for the deer who drinks with pleasure.

The  beaver in the lake swimming, laughing with an otter.

The river is one miniscule example of a natural treasure.

 

A tree, years of shade and wisdom in its heart.

Rings of time adorn its waist and tell a story.

A classic piece, appearing oft’ in art.

The mother of flora standing powerful, and tall in sunshine glorious.

 

A people, appreciative of outside views.

A  family picnicking in summer.

An old man who doesn’t watch the news,

Who instead walks the forest, a nature lover.

 

A culture, respecting all hearts filled with love.

A village coming all together.

The children who don’t shout and shove,

But who have learn to share with one another.

 

Once upon a time these things were so

In summer children played among the flowers

In winter making igloos in the snow

Outside we used to horse around for hours

 

Now trash

               old and

                            dirty

Now fast   

              rushing into

                                 parties

Leaving rubbish

                          everywhere

                                           anywhere we find convenient.

I grow sick of the sounds

                                      smells

                                               taste of chemicals in my food

Animals dying

                    air polluted with poison and garbage.

 

Despite knowing you can stop this

You would rather sit at home

Stay inside in ignorant bliss

And you are are not alone.

 

So many people choose to ignore

The heartbreaking downfall of nature

So many people think it’s a chore

And ignore their disgusting behavior.

 

Please!

           for me

And my generation,

 

Help bring back the bubbling brooks.

 

Clear, bubbling streams, full of fresh, blue water,

This beauty can happen once more,

Remember the river, the flowers, the otter,

And know nature is part of your core.

Fail

I don’t think there’s anything left I haven’t failed already.

 

I wrecked my grades starting sophomore year. I could easily have all A’s and B’s, but my level of motivation was slim. I completed homework, but never turned it in, I procrastinated until I had panic attacks, I ignored deadlines, and finally I stopped trying altogether. My mind told me, “Why try if you’ll never succeed anyway.” That’s when I shut off. Nothing mattered. Except for sleep of course…that was the most important part of my life: sleep and relaxation. Although it brought me little to no happiness, I spent my time rotting away, staring at the television.

 

I ruined my social relationships so quickly and easily that it was probably on purpose subconsciously. My mind said, “Why would you put in the effort to make friends and maintain relationships when nobody will ever put you first. No one can love you.” So I ignored calls, emails, and messages until the people that used to care didn’t bother trying anymore. When I was sad it was so much easier to act angry.

 

I sabotaged my health. It’s almost like I wanted to get sick. I refused to take medicine, I ignored the warning signs, and sometimes I was so sick of reality that I made myself sick just to escape. Sometimes I let myself be ill or even encouraged it just so somebody would notice. At least pity was better than nothingness. My irrational brain thought, “Maybe if you throw up enough, refuse to eat, faint enough times they’ll start caring.” The first time, I took thirty tylenol. I threw up for two days and told my mother that it must be the stomach bug. The next time it was 35 tylenol and 30 advil. In the back of my head, that second time, I wasn’t planning on it working. It didn’t. I threw up for a day and listened to my grandmother yell at me about how incredibly ungrateful I was. Yes, I get it: children are starving in Africa, but as selfish as it was, that didn’t matter to me. I would gladly give them everything I have to be happy. The third time I was desperate. I took all of my depression and OCD meds in addition to painkillers and homeopathic remedies. I didn’t necessarily want to die. I was afraid of that. I just wanted to sleep…for a really long time. Unfortunately for me, I got the opposite: chills and extreme shaking, heart palpitations and blurry vision. I could hardly walk. The next day, it was as if nothing happened. Nobody cared. Now I just felt stupider. I couldn’t even kill myself correctly.

The worst feeling is that I’ve failed my parents. While brother is a shining star, I am barely passing classes. I constantly pick fights with my parents. They having nothing to be proud of me for.

 

I don’t see a solution. I’ve thought of jumping threw my window countless times. I’ve literally researched sedatives and how to induce a coma. I’ve never told anyone. People have a tendency of drugging me and forcing me to talk to pretentious assholes whenever I decide to be honest.
I don’t think there’s anything left I haven’t failed already.

Who Am I

I don’t know what makes me me. I don’t particularly like me either. I am lazy. I am an extreme pessimist. I procrastinate with everything. I sabotage myself on purpose sometimes because I think, “Why bother? I’ll never succeed anyway.” I love writing, but I hate writing about myself; not because my life is particularly embarrassing, but because I don’t even like to think about myself.

 

People think I am funny and caring and helpful. Most people think I am bubbly and fun and confident. I am not. One of my better skills is faking my feelings. I can make people think that I’m crying because of a bad grade or my eyes are only red from allergies. I can convince you that I am not smiling because I’m tired, when really, I almost to ended everything last night. I can tell you I didn’t do my homework because I was lazy, when in reality I was rushed to the hospital after passing out after a panic attack. I am a liar because lying is just easier for everyone.

 

Most days I just try to forget who I am. If I can forget that I am chained down to my lump of a body and my prune of a brain, then maybe I will make a friend or tell a joke or walk with confidence.

 

I don’t like to be alone. I don’t even need to talk to a person to make me feel better I just need them to be in the same room with me. I make my brother sit and eat dinner with me every night, and I dread bedtime because then I will be alone again.

 

Frivolous things make me happy: shopping, nail polish, television. I also have an unhealthy tendency of eating my feelings.

 

My favorite thing to do is make other people happy. I know, humble, right? But really, it’s the only thing that makes me feel good about myself. I am a hypocrite. I tell my friends how to deal with their problems. I give them advice and even get angry with them for being so negative, when in actuality, internally, I am so much worse.

Movie Night: Erin Brockovich

On Saturday the 6th of February I watched a movie called Erin Brockovich about the negative environmental and health effects of Chromium 6. At first I was not sure about how good the movie was going to be, but it was actually inspiring. It made me want to help people the way she did while at the same time learning crazy things about science.

 

When I was younger I always wanted to be a mailman or a detective. The reason I wanted to be a mailman was because of the unexplainable joy I would feel opening envelopes and packages with my name on them and I’ve always wanted to make people happy. The reason I wanted to be a detective was because I have always enjoyed solving mysteries. It has, during the past two years, become clear that science is a way that I can accomplish both. Finding the animal tracks is a mystery, and inventing water filters for developing countries is certainly one way to help people.

 

Overall this movie sparked the part of me that is interested in scientific activism and awoke my inner scientist. I plan on conducting water tests locally and finding more about water safety regulations.

Fake It Till You Make It

It still irritates me when kids in the class continue to complain. However, I have experienced some great things. Being lifted up the wall first proved to myself that I could do it. I could do anything. I like the looks of surprise, awe and support I receive from my classmate. It feels nice that people believe in me. It’s funny they think I’m the brave one when, in my head, I am terrified and cowardly.

 

Then there was a boy who didn’t want to be hoisted up the wall. Everything he said was what I had been thinking in my head: “I don’t want to do this”, “This does not look safe”, “I can’t do this”. He was vocal and vulnerable with his fears. I felt bad for him, knowing how uncomfortable it must be. Eventually myself and the rest of the class “convinced him” to mount the wall. I reassured him in the same way I knew would coax me into participating, but in the end, it was his own decision. I was so proud of him. After he finished he complained as usual, but I could practically see him glowing. Whether or not he knew it, watching him be so honest and then eventually succeeding felt crazy good.

 

  I had felt all of the same things, however, I decided to reinvent myself. I pretended not to care. I pretended not to be afraid. I faked confidence, and it freaking worked! I have continued this strategy ever since. I may seem confident, social, and brave, but I assure you that it’s complete bullsh*t. It’s fun though. I can act like the kind of person I envy.

 

The stereotypes mentioned in my previous journal are really wearing off. I still wonder what I would have been in their heads. Then again, not everyone is as judgemental as I am.

 

Although I do still feel a little bit of segregation between two halves of the class, I am also happy about how close we have all grown. Personal stories started surfacing about terrible coaches and grumpy girlfriends. I find myself enjoying every silly, innuendo-ladened conversation. I look forward to every class, inside and out.

The Challenge

I am a very judgmental person. I may seem sweet and kind, but on the inside I am quite judgmental. It’s human nature! So when I first entered the Adventure Challenge classroom, I was terrified. My eyes saw people, but my brain took inventory: 3 rednecks, 3 jocks, 3 smart kids, 1 average girl, 1 shy girl, and 1 sporty girl. How could I relate? I didn’t like sports or fishing and I didn’t have a 4.05 average GPA. Where was I going to fit.  I was great at stereotyping other people, but not myself. It was bad at first. Every day I would find myself infuriated by the kids that refused to participate. Were they even aware that they signed up for this? Why would anyone complain about standing up? This was a PE credit after all! I found myself constantly being forced to volunteer just to make sure my teacher didn’t start hating our class. I went first for everything because nobody else could be bothered.

After what seemed like forever, I started to understand these people. The sporty ones didn’t want to exercise because they spent hours of practice at basketball every evening and  the smart ones were shy and didn’t want to be made fun of due to their good grades. They spent more time completing homework than learning how to be outgoing. The rednecks liked fishing because it gave them a sense of peace. At this point in time I stopped stereotyping and started to learn everyone’s names. Even though negativity and lack of motivation still snuck into some classes, I began to enjoy myself in Adventure Challenge.